My mastectomy is scheduled!

Hello! Soooo I have the brca1 gene which is us breast and ovarian cancer gene that I have mentioned in an earlier post.  I was tested for it a year ago when my mother died of breast cancer. It came back positive, which means I have a 90% chance of developing breast cancer. After talking to councilors and doctors, I decided a year ago to get a double mastectomy. I didn't want to go through what my mom went through and I need to be around for my 2 girls. My insurance out of pocket is paid for the year after having Audrey so I decided to have the surgery this year otherwise it would cost 3,000 out of pocket which I'd like to avoid. I was planning on nursing until August or September but it turns out my reconstruction process will take 6 months to complete so my surgery is scheduled for June 18th. I have to stop nursing at least a month before so I don't get an infection. I've been weaning Audrey for a week now an am down to one feeding a day. I wasn't anxious about the surgery until now. I so don't want to stop nursing. She's been supplementing with formula since she was born off and on because of weight issues (which isn't a problem now for my chunk lol) so I know she will take formula, the problem is she likes to nurse and it's a mommy and Audrey connection thing. She will spit out the bottle sometimes and try to nurse and I have to turn her away which makes her cry. I know I need to stop but it is so extremely difficult because if I ever do have anymore children (which I'm not currently planning on lol) but if I do, I will never be able to nurse them again. It's not about me thinking formula is unhealthy, that part is fine, it's mainly about the whole bonding thing. I guess if you have never nursed a baby you might not fully get it but it's just a struggle that I'm currently dealing with. Some people have said "well if it bugs you so much, why not wait to get your mastectomy?" as it is a good point, I would rather not pay the extra money if I don't have to and I need to do this surgery soon for piece of mind. I had a lumpectomy when I was 14 weeks pregnant because of an abnormal MRI. Then when Audrey was  4 weeks old I had to get another MRI  and had to pump and dump because of the iodine they gave me for 48 hours and that came back abnormal and inconclusive as well (because I was nursing, the tissue was too dense to see through). So I'm always having scares and it's way too stressful. Basically this needs to be done now but the quitting nursing thing is heart breaking. This is going to be a long journey! I get my surgery on June 18th at 730am. I have to check in at 530. It will take around 2 1/2 hours. They will remove all of the breast tissue and place expanders in each side and fill them just a little bit. I will stay over night and then go home the next day. My great friend Donna Williams (who is family) is coming to stay with us for a week to help out with the girls and me. She had breast cancer before my mom did so she can relate and help me through all of these tough steps. AJ will be taking the 2nd week off to help me (I'll have drains for a week to two weeks and won't be able to lift the girls for a long time). The third week I have my lovely Pridmore family coming to stay with me and help me with the girls. The Williams and Pridmore families are complete Godsends to me. I love them sooo much!! I wish Vegas was closer because I sure miss all of them! Anyway, I believe once I get my drains out is when they will start filling my expanders. I'll get more into that part after my surgery. The initial surgery is the most difficult one. I think the pain of not snuggling my girls will be worse then the surgery pain, there are drugs for that pain lol. I will blog more as it gets closer but this is the start to my very long journey I have ahead this year. We have filled the weekends before the surgery with trips of all sort that I will blog about so at least I will have some good things to look forward to this summer!! A lot of friends and family members wanted to be updated about all of this stuff so I decided instead of calling, texting an emailing all the time I can blog and keep everyone in the loop. I'm completely open about all of this because it's a huge part of my life. In not ashamed or shy to talk about any  of this. The bottom line is, I don't want my kids to lose their mom like I did. It's so hard not having my mom around to meet Audrey or see Rylie grow up. I want to see my grand and great grand babies grow up, I want to live for a very long time and annoy the crap out of my kids when I get old and crazy! Haha So I have to do what I have to do!