Music, the way to my heart

Ok so those of you who know me knows that music is the way to my soul. I love music, all kinds of music but mostly music that has words that reaches down deep and makes me think. After my mom died, I found a gift card to the Christian book store His Word that my mom bought for me oooh 2 years before. I hadn't used it so I went in to see if it was still good. I saw this necklace that said faith, hope and love on it. It was something my mom would have bought me so I decided to buy it. I also ran across this cd from Josh Wilson. I had heard one of his songs on the radio before and it was only $5.00 so I decided to buy it. I loved it! That sunday I went to church with my dad and saw that Josh Wilson and Matthew West was coming to Sparks Christian Fellowship (the church I was at) and told my dad about it. He couldn't believe that Josh Wilson was going to be there since he heard my CD and also really liked him. He immediately bought us tickets and meet and greets. We met Matthew West before the concert and I was not familiar with his music at all but I thought I would meet him anyway. I bought 2 of his CD's there and 1 of Josh Wilsons. The concert was seriously awesome! Their music says so much and is perfect for every difficult thing that has seemed to happen in my life. Anyway, where I'm going with this is I was playing around on the computer and I found some of Matthew West's music and turned it on. All the memories of my mom passing away flew back and hit me like a ton of bricks. But not in a super sad way, in a way that I was at such a low point back then, I had no clue as to how I would ever be able to move forward. Then I looked at today and realized that I had... somehow. I now have 2 beautiful girls. That right there is something so amazing that has made my life wonderful. I was at such a low point I hated when people would say it will all be ok with time because I honestly thought they had no clue how I felt. They might have not experienced the exact same thing as me but everyone has gone through their own low point but we all move on and live, somehow. I thought I would post some lyrics to a song by Matthew West. This song was one that reminded me so much of my mom. I'm not sure if she ever got to hear it but if she did it would have been her anthem lol. She was always trying to help other people over herself, and this song is one that inspires me to do things for others. If I can't physically do something, I can at least be kind.
Here's the Lyrics to the song, My Own Little World:

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I've never gone hungry or always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population me
I try to stay awake through the Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give 'til it hurts
and I turn off the news when I don't like what I see
it's easy to do when it's
population me
What if there's a bigger picture
what if I'm missing out
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world
Stopped at the red light, looked out my window

Outside the car, saw a sign, said "Help this homeless widow"
Just above this sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, "God, what have I been doing?"
So I rolled down my window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by
I gave her some money then I drove on through
in my own little world there's
Population two
What if there's a bigger picture
what if I'm missing out
What if there's a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world
Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me

The last line says it all... life isn't about me. People say they don't know how I am dealing with my surgery and it's a simple answer, I'm doing it for my girls. So as I end this and go to bed, I hope someone reads this and even though you might have had a seriously crappy day, there might be someone out there who needs you and had a devastating day. So try to think of others or send a nice little message to someone you love, because life without love really isn't worth it, thats how I feel anyway. :)

(Here is the link to the song that goes with the lyrics so you can hear it.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Yasgzjc0w)

The amazing people in my life

I was having such a hard time tonight because Audrey has wanted to nurse all day and I am trying to officially be done. I was having a break down when I decided to text my moms best friend Donna. She immediately called me and I hesitated answering because I was crying. I did answer though and I am so glad I did. She talked to me about my mom and her experience, she helped remind me of why I was doing all of this. My goal is to be here for all of my loved ones, to live a long healthy life and as my friend Morgan pointed out, even though this is hard today, the day of my girls wedding day I will be so thankful I could be there to proudly see it that today will seem like nothing. This experience is not only to help me physically fight future cancer, but it has shown me what amazing people I have in my life. There are times I looked around and really wondered if anyone would be there if I truly needed them like I do now, and I wasn't so sure. Tonight has taught me to live life with a purpose, live life as kind as possible, fighting, jealousy and hate should be as obsolete as possible because really, what's the point? I hope that if there is someone in need that I can be as amazing of a friend as Donna is to me, and my friend Lisa who has also helped me along the way.  My dad emailed me today that he is booking a flight out of town for a mandatory work conference to 630 the night of my surgery instead of that morning. Even though I will be in surgery and not be able to see him, it's nice to know he wants to be there and keep AJ company, even though he really doesn't have to.  These people have inspired me to do little acts of kindness to some people, someway that will just make their day. What is the point of living life to just live? It's the people in our lives who make it worth while. I hope when you read this that it can inspire you to think about the relationships you have and what little things you might be able to change to make things a little better. Sorry if this all seems too peppy and preachy but I guess I just feel lucky at the moment to have people in my life who make me feel I need to live every second I can to the fullest because they want me around in their lives. The power of friendship is an amazing thing. :) 

My mastectomy is scheduled!

Hello! Soooo I have the brca1 gene which is us breast and ovarian cancer gene that I have mentioned in an earlier post.  I was tested for it a year ago when my mother died of breast cancer. It came back positive, which means I have a 90% chance of developing breast cancer. After talking to councilors and doctors, I decided a year ago to get a double mastectomy. I didn't want to go through what my mom went through and I need to be around for my 2 girls. My insurance out of pocket is paid for the year after having Audrey so I decided to have the surgery this year otherwise it would cost 3,000 out of pocket which I'd like to avoid. I was planning on nursing until August or September but it turns out my reconstruction process will take 6 months to complete so my surgery is scheduled for June 18th. I have to stop nursing at least a month before so I don't get an infection. I've been weaning Audrey for a week now an am down to one feeding a day. I wasn't anxious about the surgery until now. I so don't want to stop nursing. She's been supplementing with formula since she was born off and on because of weight issues (which isn't a problem now for my chunk lol) so I know she will take formula, the problem is she likes to nurse and it's a mommy and Audrey connection thing. She will spit out the bottle sometimes and try to nurse and I have to turn her away which makes her cry. I know I need to stop but it is so extremely difficult because if I ever do have anymore children (which I'm not currently planning on lol) but if I do, I will never be able to nurse them again. It's not about me thinking formula is unhealthy, that part is fine, it's mainly about the whole bonding thing. I guess if you have never nursed a baby you might not fully get it but it's just a struggle that I'm currently dealing with. Some people have said "well if it bugs you so much, why not wait to get your mastectomy?" as it is a good point, I would rather not pay the extra money if I don't have to and I need to do this surgery soon for piece of mind. I had a lumpectomy when I was 14 weeks pregnant because of an abnormal MRI. Then when Audrey was  4 weeks old I had to get another MRI  and had to pump and dump because of the iodine they gave me for 48 hours and that came back abnormal and inconclusive as well (because I was nursing, the tissue was too dense to see through). So I'm always having scares and it's way too stressful. Basically this needs to be done now but the quitting nursing thing is heart breaking. This is going to be a long journey! I get my surgery on June 18th at 730am. I have to check in at 530. It will take around 2 1/2 hours. They will remove all of the breast tissue and place expanders in each side and fill them just a little bit. I will stay over night and then go home the next day. My great friend Donna Williams (who is family) is coming to stay with us for a week to help out with the girls and me. She had breast cancer before my mom did so she can relate and help me through all of these tough steps. AJ will be taking the 2nd week off to help me (I'll have drains for a week to two weeks and won't be able to lift the girls for a long time). The third week I have my lovely Pridmore family coming to stay with me and help me with the girls. The Williams and Pridmore families are complete Godsends to me. I love them sooo much!! I wish Vegas was closer because I sure miss all of them! Anyway, I believe once I get my drains out is when they will start filling my expanders. I'll get more into that part after my surgery. The initial surgery is the most difficult one. I think the pain of not snuggling my girls will be worse then the surgery pain, there are drugs for that pain lol. I will blog more as it gets closer but this is the start to my very long journey I have ahead this year. We have filled the weekends before the surgery with trips of all sort that I will blog about so at least I will have some good things to look forward to this summer!! A lot of friends and family members wanted to be updated about all of this stuff so I decided instead of calling, texting an emailing all the time I can blog and keep everyone in the loop. I'm completely open about all of this because it's a huge part of my life. In not ashamed or shy to talk about any  of this. The bottom line is, I don't want my kids to lose their mom like I did. It's so hard not having my mom around to meet Audrey or see Rylie grow up. I want to see my grand and great grand babies grow up, I want to live for a very long time and annoy the crap out of my kids when I get old and crazy! Haha So I have to do what I have to do!